Why Your Arguments Feel SO INTENSE: Understanding Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
Episode Overview:
In this episode, Jen addresses a listener’s question about the anxious-avoidant dynamic in relationships, specifically regarding how disagreements tend to escalate quickly between them and their partner. Jen explores the underlying attachment styles at play, offering practical advice on how couples can break free from this exhausting cycle and communicate more effectively despite their nervous system reactions.
Key Takeaways:
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The anxious-avoidant dynamic is a common issue in relationships and can be understood through attachment theory.
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One partner may feel a need to get closer during conflict (anxious), while the other shuts down to cope (avoidant).
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Understanding this dynamic is the first step towards healing. Creating pauses and giving each other space to regulate your nervous system can help break the cycle.
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Jen outlines a few strategies to manage your nervous system in the heat of the moment, including grounding techniques and gentle movements to interrupt the freeze state.
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Reframing the conflict by naming the cycle and seeing it as a shared experience can lead to more compassion and connection.
Jen’s Response:
Jen dives into the listener’s experience, explaining how both anxious and avoidant attachment behaviors stem from a deep desire for safety and connection, albeit in different ways. She encourages listeners to pause in the middle of conflict, use a “safe word” to de-escalate, and regulate their nervous systems before continuing the conversation. She also suggests reflecting on the cycle together outside of the argument, creating space for both partners to recognize their emotional triggers and meet each other with understanding.
Actionable Steps for Breaking the Cycle:
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Create Pauses During Conflict: Use a pre-agreed "safe word" (like "Abacus") to signal when a break is needed.
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Care for Your Nervous System: Practice grounding exercises such as feeling your feet on the floor, using calming scents, or small intentional movements.
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Reframe the Cycle: Discuss your patterns when you’re calm, acknowledging both partners' triggers and reactions.
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Communicate from a Place of Safety: Share needs like reassurance or time to reflect on the argument in a compassionate way.
Resources Mentioned:
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Free Relationship Cycle Worksheet: Track Negative Cycles Workbook – A downloadable resource to help couples map their communication patterns and break the cycle.
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Jen's Weekly Class: Weekly Masterclass on love, attachment, and trauma healing – Join Jen live every Monday at 7:30 AM (Australia) or Sunday at 5:30 PM (Eastern Time, US) for in-depth discussions on healing attachment patterns.
Work With Jennifer:
Jennifer Nurick works with couples using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) to foster secure attachment and healthier relationships. Sessions are available during Australian daytime hours, suitable for evening sessions in the U.S.
Book your session: psychotherapycentral.health
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With warmth,
Jen 🌻
